Tales of woe, from one too many

As some of you are aware, your humble custodian is also responsible for monitoring the blog email address, eclipsecriticng@gmail.com, which continues to provide a steady stream of information, insight and 'observations' from those people who have found themselves orbiting Planet Vern. I'm pretty sure that's how he sees himself and I KNOW that's the way I see him, in a 'what planet did you come from, Mr. Raburn' sort of way.

Lately, I've also taken to phone calls, usually at very oddball times (for me) and normally with those of you who have been kind enough to support the blog in so many ways. I also naturally continue to do some research in my own, amateur manner. Must be the nosey Irish bit of me leaking out. Or maybe it's just the smell of the 'dead rat' that I get around EAC.

Anyway, lots of incoming over the past few weeks, which I put to one side as Karen Di Piazza's excellent article was in the works. I wanted that to have it's own space on the blog, which I hope everyone found useful. So herewith the 'voices' which I've heard from (and talked to) over that period.

First, a contribution from our resident satirist, Black Tulip. It's important to note that BT is very careful in his writings to poke fun at the key points. Read it carefully, it is worth it....

ECLIPSE CLARIFIES CERTIFICATION STATUS

Albuquerque, NM - July 3, 2008 - At a press conference today, Eclipse
Aviation provided additional details on the Federal government's approval of
the Eclipse 500 Very Light Jet (VLJ). President Vern Raburn explained,
"When we embarked on this project ten years ago we wanted to ensure the
Eclipse 500 met the highest standards used by the United States government.
Driven by our passion for disruptive technology, we began to think outside
the box - we sought a new paradigm."

"We were immediately concerned as we examined the charter of the Federal
Aviation Administration (FAA) - to promote and regulate aviation. We grew
worried over an inherent conflict of interest in this dual role. The Food
and Drug Administration (FDA), on the other hand, is charged with ensuring
the safety and efficacy of the products it approves and oversees. This
struck us as a much tighter standard and an approval we would be proud to
receive."

Raburn continued, "We interviewed pilots who flew early prototypes of the
aircraft and noted they reported a range of post-flight responses including
enhanced sense of well being, mild euphoria, arousal and a slight
hallucinogenic reaction. We discussed this with high-level FDA officials
and they agreed to undertake the long process of testing and approval."

"As many are aware, most new medical products are initially tested using
laboratory animals. I am pleased to say the FDA allowed us to bypass this
step. This explains the fact that the Eclipse 500 is the only VLJ approved
and recommended by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)."

"Our human clinical trial was extensive. During the early risky phase with
Williams engines, we used only lawyers. Later, general aviation volunteers
were randomly selected to receive conventional treatment (flying a 1975
Cessna Citation 501) or experience the novel therapy of the Eclipse 500.
The FDA allowed us to cut this trial short on compassionate grounds as it
became clear that the Citation pilots were not experiencing positive
outcomes."

"As approval approached we had many discussions with the FDA on the
classification of this product. was it a medical device or a pharmaceutical?
I like to think of the jet as the 'Viagra of the Air' and my plane is
painted blue. The FDA is still mulling this over as medical devices and
drugs are subject to different recall procedures on the infinitesimally
small chance we were to have a problem."

Raburn concluded, "The aviation media and later the main stream press just
assumed the aircraft was approved by the FAA. We should have cleared up
this confusion earlier and hope everyone appreciates a product deemed safe
and effective by the FDA. We think a healthy competition between government
bureaucracies is good."

Thanks Black Tulip! I really like the bit about using lawyers for flight testing in "... the early risky phase with Williams engines", but I digress. Our next voice is one of our 'working pilots' who has to use the FPJ to earn a living. The following email reached me late last week. You can feel the frustration, even through the edits I've done to protect his identity. It's headed

"NG Software Gremlins"

Shane,

Yep, the latest and greatest contribution from Vern and his buddies is working out great.

Several of our planes are fitted with NG avionics. They have generated "Ghost Like Gremlins" that are difficult to chase down. The Gremlins live primarily in the software. To my knowledge, these Gremlins don't mean major harm. They are annoying enough however for the planes to file in with the other hangar queens.

A long time ago in my career, I was told that there are, in fact, 'Gremlins', and that one should always try to keep them happy. But beware as behind every Gremlin, is a Fifinella. Fifinella's are the female of the Gremlin species, and are much more deadly.

The above definition comes from Jordanoff's Aviation Dictionary Copyright 1942.

To conclude at Eclipse there are more Gremlin's in the wood pile than there is wood.

'Hanger Queens' is a phrase that's come through to me from more than one owner and/or pilot, but Fifinella is a new one. Sounds to me that Captain Chuck Nealy, who managed to land the FPJ in Midway a few weeks ago, had a personal interview with one of the Gremlins, and very nearly a fight with Fifinella....

Turboprop_Pilot asked a very interesting question a few days ago on the last thread. You will recall that the Inspector General at your Department of Transportation is asking some searching questions about our very own Eclipse Aviation. TP posted the following, very appropriately, on the 'Glorious Fourth' when everyone should at least TRY to remember the founding principles of your great democracy.

My suggestion:
That the blog develop a comprehensive set of shortcomings involved in Eclipse’s development and certification of the E500 and send it to the DOT IG as an “amicus curiae”. That we provide in depth backup of these short comings and eliminate the hyperbole and invective.

I strongly agree. Anyone who wishes to do so, email the blog with their 'top five' shortcomings and I will sort out the most popular ones. In about two weeks, I will make a 'headline post' of the top TEN. These will be selected on a properly democratic basis, from the emails. We can kick it around for a few days, and then agree a) who to send it to and b) how to identify ourselves as the source. I will of course be happy to stick my own signature on the letter, in any event. This is something we owe to the GA community, so get cracking at those keyboards.

Next a small, cautionary tale for those of you who are lucky enough to be married, and wish to retain that happy status. This email reached me in the past few days, has a few xxx's to avoid identifying the 'happy couple', and was headed

"Eclipse and marital discord"

Hi Shane,

I've been following the blog since it was in Stan Blankenship's hands and wanted to commend you on your work with it thus far.

NxxxEA just left xxx after more than a week AOG. The owner and his wife were no longer on board. It arrived xx June and needed a tire change, which turned into a nightmare. Aircraft departed for xxx a couple days later and had to return to us after HAL reported what I believe was a stick-pusher failure, which I understand makes autopilot unavailable. The local mechanic's experience with Tech Support at Eclipse was embarrasingly comical. He was given instructions like "try to move the wires around." I'm an AMT and sometimes I do "move the wires around" but that's on a 40 yr old plane with some rather simple systems. The mechanic in xxx is a very experienced IA and pilot. We both fly aircraft for another local company. Eclipse ended up sending a service team to work on the plane and it is finally on its way home (the intended trip had to be cancelled entirely).

I spoke with the owner and his wife and there was very clearly some marital discord as a direct result of the FPJ's unreliable nature. The woman asked if I knew of anyone in the market for an E500. Another disatisfied customer. I hadn't formerly thought that relational fallout was part of the Eclipse ownership experience. It was truly sad to see. The financial loss from the trips disruption and ultimate cancellation was substantial (Operating costs from the xxx US to the xxx US, crew cost, lodging, meals, etc. Plus the cost of lodging in xxx which I don't think could have been refunded at such a late date. Plus the cost of tickets for Airline travel back to xxx. Plus the cost of flying the plane back to xxx with no one on board, but the relational cost is something that might be harder to pay.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

Another tyre, another marriage, and both busted. Seems Vern is 'disruptive' in more ways that we thought.

Folks, I think we have enough for three or four 'headline' posts, but it gets that way around here. The 'Office of the Custodian, Eclipse Aviation Critic NG' needs to get back to some real work. Remember to email your 'Top Five Shortcomings', with that as the subject line, as soon as you can, be kind to your families (they will pay for the retirement home...) and keep those posts coming.

Shane